How to be a Better Customer

Working at J&R, I’ve learned a valuable lesson, customers can be the stupidest fucking people in the entire planet. It boggles my mind. Some of them are just really out of their mind and crazy, but the rest of you, SHAME!

#1: Have your shit ready! I can’t believe how many calls I get with people asking about products and have no idea as to the name of what they are looking for. It boggles my mind. People forget the brand name, the model, or both. I had a fucking woman ask me about “the portable CD player with one battery.” Fuck you, you stupid idiot! I told her we didn’t have it, “Can you look again?” Every time. Get off my phone! Have your friggin card ready too. Know what else? try and memorize things like your ADDRESS and TELEPHONE NUMBER. You know how many people call up and I say, “Card number please?” I get a response like, “Oh dear, it’s all the way across the room and under a pile of papers, hang on a second.” You fucking called up a line to order shit, why the fuck aren’t you ready. “You address?” “Gee, uh…10….hmm…10…5?..” What the fuck??

#2: Have SOMETHING in mind. You know, people sometimes call up, and they want *SOMETHING*. No idea what. They ask you shit like, “What do you have in portable CD players?” We have EVERY FRIGGIN COMPANY THAT MAKES CD PLAYERS. They want me to go through the entire fucking list. You know what’s funny too? We have a store, a website, and a catalog…all of which have this info, yet people are so fucking lazy, they want me to look it up for them.

#3: DON’T BE FUCKING LAZY! Speaking of the website, you’re calling me, a sales rep…SALES…I’ll say it again, SALES! I’m not in the research department. Don’t call me up and ask me for “price checks.” That’s what the web is for. You understand? Don’t ask me for specs, that’s what the web is for. I don’t mind comparing two items closely, if it’s someone making a choice to to buy one, but don’t fucking call me up for info on products because “You’re just doing research.” Just so you people know, the description you see on the web is exactly the same as we have to look at.

#4: Don’t fucking call two weeks early. Too many times, people call up, ask you a 1000 questions and suddenly say “Well, I’m gonna buy this in about two weeks, I’ll call back then.” One guy had me price checking a million things, then wanted what the total would be. To get the exact total, I have to actually put the order together. So I told him I couldn’t do that, he said someone else had done it for him earlier…so that means he did this before, and he didn’t buy anything, asshole. I put together a home theatre system for him, haggled the price, had me do the entire order and then said he’d call back, of course he didn’t.

#5 SALES MEANS SALES Look, I’m not tech support. Why is that so hard to understand? People call up and ask for help with shit that they bought. That’s obviously not a sales question. You know when you want tech help and you call up bothering us…and you keep chatting away arguing about it, there’s actual paying customers waiting on the line for you to get off the damn phone…and you’re wasting a salesman’s time. We work on commission in case you didn’t know… You calling us up with questions and general inquiries is basically taking money out of our pocket, don’t do it anymore. As for Customer service, we have a separate line for that plainly advertised. Call that number, not us.

#6 We’re J&R Don’t EVER call up and ask for help with a product you didn’t buy from us just because you see that we carry it. PERIOD.

#7 Price matching We do our best to price match AUTHORIZED DEALERS ONLY. So SAM HAM’S Digital 1-2-3 World online we don’t match. You know what else? Don’t lie to us, we double check everything. I’ve had people ask me for price matches for things that the places don’t even carry, or have a higher price than us. And after 1 price match, don’t fucking bother us. We don’t have time to sit there all day looking for better prices. If you’re creaming yourself that much about a low price, buy it there and leave us alone. Otherwise there’s obviously a reason you don’t want to buy from them.

#8 Music and DVDs suck We make nothing on DVDs and CDs, when you call up to order them, you’re just pissing us off. Use the web or the god damn mail-in slip. We also don’t know what’s on CDs most of the time. When you ask us what songs are on the CD, we have to research that … that takes time, time is money. If you want a CD that much, you should know what’s on it. If you are looking for a song, find out what CD it’s on, don’t bother us. The lesson here is simple folks. I’m a sales representative. I work in the sales department. Calls I get should be one of two things: you want to buy something, or you want to compare two items and decide which one you want to buy, then buy it. That’s it. Research, tech support, customer service, is all not my job. It’d be the same thing as if I went to a hospital and demanded a nurse drive a truck for three hours. She’d leave work, and not get paid, and then drive the truck, and since she isn’t a truck driver, wouldn’t do very well, and would be losing money doing what she is supposed to do. Think about that. When you call up asking me how to put together the stereo you just bought, you’re basically taking food out of my mouth, and for that, I sincerely hope you drop dead, fucker.

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