Although I have complained about customers in the past, this rant is more of a plea to ask that they (possibly you) just learn how to act as a customer. Too often customers come at you from the wrong angle, behave radically, or just act like jerks. Part of the problem is most of you have no concept of what being on the other side is like. Frankly, whichever comedian who ever said that everyone should work retail or wait tables as a job at least once is absolutely right. Hopefully this will enlighten you. I have accumulated some backup for this adventure however. The famous Denis K. who ranted about bad drivers now joins me as a fellow salesman…well former salesman, heh. To make the compiling of this work easier to follow, all M2J sections are in red, and all Denis K. shall be plain.

As a salesman I can tell you that if you contact a call center or walk into a retail store and speak to a salesman, in the sales department…sales, retail, and you don’t want to buy anything, you’re an idiot. Regardless of how justified you think you are, no, you are regarded as an idiot.

Although technically not a barter system, we still live in an environment where exchanges take place. People trade their money for goods and services of others. Smart business owners realized that they could merge these and trade money for goods and services. This has led to the initiation of salesmanship. These salesmen provided their service in order to sell a good. This is the basis of economy.

While most people realize that they need a salesman to aid them, the predominant majority has no clue on how to act in front of them and what they should or should not say. The salesmen contribute to the economy by being a means of currency redistribution but the general public still insists on their mannerless interactions.

I would really like to complain about assholes who fucking pump you for information and then either will buy somewhere else, or ask you to match a price of a so-called “competitor.” If they were really competition you would have bought from them. Part of what you’re paying for, at least what need to realize you’re paying for, is the service part of the equation. Do you like being able to call up anytime you want and ask 1000 questions? Try that shit at a Best Buy or any of these bullshit Internet retailers that you would never even buy from, none-the-less call up.

People seem to think that salesmen are there only to take their money and do nothing further. But what they do not realize is that treating them as such is counterproductive—especially when there is something that they need. However, when they need something, they will not let any of the salesman’s constraints stop them from asking a barrage of questions.

Yes, salesmen are there to make money off of commissions from the products they sell to their customers but that does not mean that the customer has to point that out. Especially in an industry with return customers, it is in the salesman’s best interest to do their best by the customer. However, certain people feel it is their duty, nay their goal in life, to point this out. In actuality, this is quite counterproductive as instead of thwarting the salesman’s tactics, it invites more. The salesman will have no desire to help such a customer—even if it costs them their commissions. A close relative of the aforementioned problem is the customer who finds it necessary to insult the salesman. Unless provoked, the customer has no reason to do this. Again, it is counterproductive. Insulting a person whose job it is to take your money is inviting displeasure.

Another type of customer we can do without is a rude one. There are several varieties of this nuisance, be it one who shows no respect to the salesman or one who criticizes everything that is said and done. A customer who does not even bother to say a simple hello or a different greeting of their choosing is rude. He simply goes into his shtick about needing help or having a question he needs answered. Another further type of this customer is one when asked “How can I help you?” responds with something that does not even remotely begin to answer such a question. Instead of actually explaining what they need help with, they cast doubt on the salesman by saying “I certainly hope so!” There is not much to expect from this jewel of a customer. His time is simply more important!

The above mentioned somewhat rings a bell of “The Prick” customer whom I have mentioned before. Treating people like they’re beneath you when you want their help is a huge mistake. If they are really beneath you, you wouldn’t need their help. Snap out of it. You catch more flies with sugar than vinegar.

It is extremely rude (and I cannot stress that enough) to hang up on a over-the-phone salesman because you were not satisfied with the answer. That is akin to walking away from a salesman right in front of you because the device in mind does not meet some sort of convoluted objective that the customer has made up. Even if not satisfied, a customary “thank you” is in order. Acting as such ensures that on your trip back, the salesman will do their best to not help you as much as they can.

People who act in this manner are bullies. Unfortunately this isn’t grade-school and a salesman isn’t able to respond by socking this customer in the face. I remember a quote I once read that went something to the tune of, “Anyone you think is a nice person, but isn’t nice to waiters, isn’t a nice person.” This is applies to salesman and any other similar line of work as well.

As previously mentioned, most salesman have no need to lie. It would follow that the customer would not need to lie as well. To the salesman’s hindrance, that is not always the case. Since salesmen work with people every day, hours at a time, it is not to the customer’s benefit to flat out lie. Even over-the-phone salesmen can pinpoint liars and fibbers. Lying ensures an inferior service as an appropriate product is not selected nor is the salesman able to provide worthwhile advice.

I would like to throw in a slight amendment to this. If you as a customer are ever stupid enough to ask a question like, “Is this product good?” the answer is always yes, unless you are considering buying a more expensive item to begin with. A lot of people ask this question after they are practically done with buying it. What salesman is ever going to say, “Actually no, let me refund your money and stop you from making a mistake and buying this.” “Good” can be a relative term people.

It is perfectly understandable to expect certain things from a salesman. It is not out of the ordinary to ask a salesman for a price match when it is a policy of the company. It is however a different thing when they demand such a thing. Most, if not all, of these people realize that some of the prices they see are ridiculously low. Ridiculously low to the extent that they cannot possibly be a legitimate price. But that does not stop they from wanting your superior service at a price fit only a phony company. Threatening the salesman is ill-advised, as is yelling and promising a law suit. If they want such a price, they can simply purchase it from where they have seen it. If trust does not exist, why should this price even be considered?

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Just like above, you really should understand why there’s such a price difference between retailers. You think it’s okay to buy from them? Buy from them!

I would also like to remind all of you idiots out there, have your shit ready when you call any call center for anything! You know when you pick up the phone and call a center for whatever reason and get hit with a long hold time? Assholes like you are why that happens. Do salesmen a favor while you’re at it, don’t call up a sales line unless you want to buy something. Don’t start your research by effectively asking a salesman to do it for you. Do your own research, narrow your own selection. You’re a grown up for God sakes! You’ll find that you’ll not only be able to answer your own questions with just a little bit of research, but you’ll actually learn something in the process, that my friends is priceless. At the end of the research process, take your credit card out and perhaps have one or two questions ready. After the questions have been answered by the experts that you called for help, buy the item and pay full price!

Just remember, when you go into a retail situation as a customer, don’t be a dick. You’re dealing with some poor chap trying to make a living and get through the rat race just like you. Think about what you’re asking of someone, especially if their livelihood depends on you buying something and you waste their time knowing you’re not going to. You wouldn’t be happy if you were forced by some idiot to take unpaid time off of work for no reason. Believe me folks, if I ever run into you in a retail store giving the staff a hard time … they can’t say anything to you, but you better believe I will!