Super Mario Bros. 2

Yeah yeah, I know, this wasn’t supposed to be the sequel, but Japanese people apparently think us Americans with the big American penis also had small American gamepray abirity. It was originally Doki Doki Panic, but that name is stupid, so they slapped the world of Mario onto it and packaged it for us to play.

I was pretty psyched to get this game. When I first got my NES, it was Christmas of 1988, and Super Mario Bros. 3 was already out, so I ended skipping the second installment. I had certainly seen a lot of stuff taken from the game in the Super Mario Bros. Super Show! Finally, I was about to enter this new (old) mystical world. I popped in the game, selected a player, and …

The game went to a yellow screen and I was out of luck. Turned out my Nintendo was defective, I had to wait a long time. Finally, I got everything sorted out. Now was the time to actually play the game.

Apparently, I’m the only person in history to ever enjoy this game. You play as Mario, Luigi, Toad, or Princess Toadstool. They all handle slightly different, Mario is all around basic, Luigi is slow, but jumps the highest, Toad is super quick, and Princess Toadstool and float for like, five seconds. You start off the game by having two of four energy slots filled. You’re already big, only when you are on your last energy slot do you turn small. You basically can pick up everything the hurl it. Vegetables out of the ground, enemies, keys, bombs, potions, whatever you need. Mushrooms made it into this game as well, so, woo hoo. Mushrooms are what restore your life. The enemies are visually very fun. There’s plenty of side-scrolling, but also some fun puzzles to try and put together.

Now, because this game didn’t follow the same format as, just about any other Mario games from this generation, it was looked upon as a black sheep. Often, I speak to people who dislike this game a lot, but what’s not to like? Ok, there are no question blocks, and we skipped the goombas and koopa troopas this time around. What are you, an old man who doesn’t like nothin’ that’s different? Mouser was awesome. The bird head was awesome. That pink girl thing that spit eggs at you was awesome. Riding a magic carpet was awesome. This is also the game where we got bombs, better yet, Bomb-Ombs, one of my favorite things ever.

I sold my copy years ago, when the Super Mario All Stars compilation came out for the SNES. Excellent port, I’ve got a good mind to break it out and play it.

Anyway, you play the game to the end and encounter a fellow named Wart, who looks nothing like Bowser. After throwing a few vegetables into his mouth, he dies. That’s actually what happens to me if I eat vegetables, so now you all understand. Anyway, after you rescue what looked to be imprisoned angels, we dip to a screen in which we see Mario sleeping. It was all a dream. No wonder this adventure is so messed up. So there you have it. You can all be happy, there’s your explanation as to why this game was so different. It was basically the retro equivalent of Twisted Metal Black.

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