The day after tomorrow…was a great movie. There’s a catch however. Generally, I have a rule about movies. An hour and forty minutes. That’s the cut-off. After an hour and forty minutes…most of the time, a movie will go downhill. Depending on how long past an hour and forty minutes a movie is, it goes more downhill… So at an hour and forty minutes in…I leaned over to my boy Marion and said “Marion, an hour and forty minutes is up, this movie is about to get bad.” I didn’t even need to look at my watch, I have an internal sensor that makes me feel like getting up and leaving, because this movie’s time has expired. So…Marion thought I was being a little crazy. Who wouldn’t? This movie was really good. They had the building up to the storm, the steps of the storm growing, and the actual coming of the storm. The world is in shambles, the whole Northern Hemisphere has been frozen. The scenes were great, the story was great, the special effects were great.
…then they sent in the wolves.
Yeah, that’s right, the storm of the century and hurling humanity into a new ice age wasn’t enough…now there are wolves. Not only that, but they are in New York City…and have managed to make their way onto a boat that strayed into the streets after the big storm hit. The wolves (of course) are inherently evil. Meanwhile, the father in Washington says, “I’m gonna walk NY.” While doing this, the dreaded “eye of the storm” is now here…and it freezes things…not like gradual cold, but some sort of ice monster that follows them all. Earlier in the movie, pilots have their asses grounded when the storm is cold enough to freeze burning helicopter fuel…so how do these little civilians survive? They build a little fire and eat M&Ms. Their little fire beats out the ice monster. Then of course, the guy who walks to NY makes it, no trouble at all. Then the back up shows up with choppers ready to transport survivors…and on every building in New York City, there’s about 300 people. So nobody died apparently. The best is the end. South of like…the bible belt, everything is fine, and everyone moves down there and all is well. Then the movie just became a message about brotherhood and shit, fuck that boring ass nonsense. I was praying that the aliens from Independence Day would attack is right there, at our weakest. Woulda been a great plot twist, Hollywood doesn’t do those anymore.
The lesson here is easy…movies shouldn’t be over an hour and forty minutes. That’s 100 minutes. That’s more than enough. If a movie is like 120 or so, that isn’t horrible, not a lot of time for things to get fucked. Return of the King for example…12 or 13 hours…forget it. By the time the movie was over I found myself wishing all of the characters were dead…and were dead for at least….well….11 hours and 20 minutes.