F*** Goku

Okay okay okay, I know a lot of you faggots like Goku and wanna suck his dick and lick his “Dragon Balls” but hear me out. What the fuck is everyone doing, putting Dragon Ball Z up on this pedastool. Whenever you talk about super heros and characters from anything, ultimately, crossover battles become am issue (e.g. “Who would win? Superman or The Hulk?”) This expands to no end usually, but if you ever walk down the path of Dragon Ball Z, you find some jerk in that’ll say “DBZ fighters over everyone, it’s just on a different level completely, you gotta understand.” Like…does anyone stop and think for a minute that just maybe you should be judging the characters relatively to their universe? No, because the Dragon Ball Z fights all are clearly separated from everything else by making it plainly known that normal people like you and me have power levels of like 16 and Goku’s is like…3,023,443,016…and grows every 20 minutes. …but my question is, why does everyone accept this? Did anyone ever stop to think “Gee, that’s bullshit, the writers just made their characters the best.” Like hello, maybe there’s a chance that if you moved a hero (like say…Batman) onto the DBZ universe, his power level would be one that could at least contend with the DBZ fighters. I just can’t continue to see how people just accept such nonsense. Take wrestling, you can easily scale wrestlers to the power of DBZ level fighters. In the wrestling universe, yes, to some degree they have power levels, and you know what, if they were to cross over somehow into the DBZ crappy realm, they’d be somewhat on par. They wouldn’t all just be like, level 44. Goku has all these “omnipresent” feelings and senses, yet I do recall Krillin hitting him in the head with a rock…he didn’t see it coming. It hurt him. Now imagine if you will…that the rock wasn’t a rock…Imagine it was…I dunno, a Leg drop! Yes, a Leg -Drop from Hulk Hogan (who, by the way, is God) would win the fight. What would even constitute a victory. In wrestling it’s a 3 count. Hogan wouldn’t even have to completely kill him.

lg.jpg …no one gets up from the Hogan Leg Drop…BTW, “Gohan” is just “Hogan” wtih the “g” and “h” switched.

But yes, moving on, you see…DBZ didn’t do anything to be put on this high level of worship. Maybe if they made the cartoon really well. But it’s the same story, over and over. They’re all training, but when push comes to shove…only one of them is nearly strong enough, and suddenly, one of the other fighters emurges as the new hero for this battle. The fight goes on…for like…..6 months of TV. Everyday they show them standing there, bullshitting like girls on their period. Even though the Dragon Ball Z fighters are all so well trained and so well prepared, some jerk with funny looking stuff on them shows up and is way stronger. So they all team up on him and try to beat him, but it just seems like they all didn’t train enough, all is lost…they have failed, they were all counting on (Select: Goku, Gohan, Trunks, Vegetta) to be the savior. Then however, all of a sudden, one fighter reaches new potential…suddenly has become exponentially greater than they used to be, and suddenly (Select: Goku, Gohan, Trunks, Vegetta) wins the fight. …and only because we have been watching the same animation slide of them standing and talking for 6 months, we are finally satisfied to see the hero win with such vigor. Then 4 episodes later, they show the big enemy of one series suddenly get beaten in 30 seconds by someone whose help would have been useful 7 episodes ago…sigh…

But the way I see it, if you just make up a super-hero/adventure story with characters that are all powerful always…then I can do that do, and you all can’t argue with me! So I have made a new hero for the masses. In his first few minutes of being on Earth, he ate Goku and shat him out…then burned the shit with his mind.

The face of this new hero you ask?

His name is Special Man.
Now, here are some of his abilities and such…He can never be hit because he’s like, transparent, translucent and intagible, but for some reason he can touch whatever he wants. He is super strong and super smart. His only weakness is that he has to ingest 7 pints of melted gold mixed with chocolate syrup, and he must do this willingly, otherwise it won’t work. The weapon he is trained with and has mastered is his enchanted pen-knife. That’s it, he always wins every fight, he can’t lose, no one can argue. Peace.

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