Bad Drivers – My First Contribution! Hallelujah! -by Denis K.

Compared to other people, I have not been driving for a long time. My experience is limited to a few years driving behind the wheel of feces-colored Grand Marquis and my dime-a-dozen Camry. Even in such a span, I have become flabbergasted to see people—much older people than me—drive like they are merely learning. There are of course different types of drivers, each with their special quirks and deficiencies.


The first type of an annoying driver is not something you see every day. In fact, they have pretty much been using the same tank of gas since the first Bush was president. The Sunday Driver is special case of a driver in which you see a shriveled skeleton holding on to the wheel and driving with the speeds that were appropriate to their times on horse and buggy. A variation of the Sunday Driver is when all you see are white knuckles holding on to the wheel but no head in sight. They usually hold up the traffic. They usually are the traffic. The next stop for this driver is to step out of their metal box on wheels and into a wooden box under six feet of dirt.


While speeding through the highway, you suddenly are forced to slam on the breaks because someone has just changed lanes for no apparent reason. He was going at his own pace in his own lane, which happened to have been half your speed. But now he is, for some reason unbeknownst to anyone, in your lane—still going half your speed. The Inconsiderate prides himself on getting in your way. Without rhyme or reason, he will get in your way at the least opportune moment. The miles of empty space in his own lane are not enough; he needs to police your lane just so you cannot drive a speed which is appropriate for you. Then you get an Inconsiderate who pulls out of his parking spot or driveway with no notice of oncoming traffic. But yet he goes just as slow. Speeding along on a street just to have this bumbling moron suddenly get in front of you because he could not wait an extra 10 seconds to be passed is not pleasant.


It still amazed me to see in this day and age the Hand Signaler. The Hand Signaler truly believes that by sticking his hand out of his window, all will be well. I will magically stop, he can have his way, and we all live happily ever after. Or his turn signal on his car can accomplish the same. But nevertheless, this aging remains of dung hopes to stop traffic (literally) and is very persistent in doing so. This type of driver gives me a weird (or not so weird, considering the circumstances) urge to drive into the aforementioned arm and see if traffic can actually be stopped in such a way. But at least he signals.


This brings me to the next idiot: The Anti-signaler. This driver is too cool to signal when turning and believes it is much more fun to see if the person behind him can brake fast enough to avoid an accident. While not signaling on an empty road at 3AM is not going to affect a damn thing, there are times when it is downright annoying. Imagine waiting at a stop sign and the car that is about to pass you suddenly makes a turn without signaling. You, of course, waited needlessly while that irritant forced you to. The Late Signaler does indeed signal. Unfortunately he does so while already halfway into his turn.


Speedy” Sanchez is a special breed of driver who, judging solely by its name, cannot drive at a decent speed. Who ever thinks it’s a good idea to cruise onto a speeding highway going at the speed of the streets. There is a reason there is an acceleration lane and it is not to take up the whole lane so no one else can try to get through. This type of ignorant driver not only goes 25-30 miles per hour on the ramp, they try to merge right away. They are afraid that their skills of driving will not allow them to merge later on, when they actually had a chance to accelerate to the speed of everyone else. Not only does this moron go slowly, but he slams on his breaks to screw over everyone behind him by trying (keyword: trying) to merge onto the highway.


The “Racer” believes he is doing the right thing in racing the other cars. This would not be so bad had they not competed for the slowest vehicle on the road. They slow down to match the speeds of those nearby, who decrease their speeds to be even slower and so forth. Eventually you have three idiots driving side by side going 30 mph on a road that has a speed limit of 60 and droves (excuse the pun) of angry drivers behind them honking like crazy. The Racer wins a special award: the biggest douche on the road. This is the type of driver who will also annoy people by other methods. While approaching a soon-to-be red light at speeds that pedestrians can match, the Racer will step on the gas pedal and narrowly make the yellow light, thereby leaving those who wanted make it waiting at the red.


While the next type technically does nothing wrong, he is still annoying. The Impatient honks as soon as the light turns green. While I understand beginning to honk when the person in front has not moved in a few seconds, honking while the synopses in the brain haven’t even received the color green is purely disgusting. I understand running late and need to drive fast (I do that all the time) but your speed is still dependent on the speed of the person in front of you anyway. The Impatient has an even dumber variety: being the second car on the street in front of an almost-red stoplight and swerving to make it in front of the car in front of him. This is usually the type who will make a left turn right in front of incoming traffic just as the light turns green. While this action is acceptable when the incoming cars are slow to move, it is highly dangerous in practice. This is dumb, enough said.


The Stopper is just following the rules but takes them too far. He stops at the stop sign like he is supposed to, counts to whatever number you are supposed to and then….keeps counting. This driver does not know how to pass an intersection and is afraid of any cars within a mile radius. The stop sign serves as a barrier for them in which they erroneously believe that they will be safe and they refuse to progress until the road is completely empty. This is most irritating during a stop all way.


Then you come across of a Modder, who believes that it is his duty to add $3000 worth of crap to his $1000 piece of crap. Adding a spoiler on a 1989 P.O.S. is as necessary as voting bin Laden for president. Having shiny, spinning hubcaps, which cost more than the car itself, just makes me wonder how they paid for this with food stamps. While these two examples are fairly harmless, the other three offenders should be crucified…upside down…in Siberian winter. First we get a genius who makes his headlights extra bright just so he can blind the poor driver in front of him. This moron should get a taste of his own medicine and go blind. Unfortunately that will not stop him from driving. Then you get a retard who decides it’s a good idea to make his car sound like a motorcycle. If you want that sound, buy a motorcycle—and accept how dangerous that is. Making your car louder and then speeding through at 3AM while people are sleeping just bought you the cross and a few nails. Finally, we have a jackass who, through his bad sound system, blasts his even worse music. Bass is not all that music should emit, nor should I have to hear that horrible crap.


Sometimes it is not an individual driver who drives me nuts (again, excuse the pun) but rather a group working in conjunction to create an effect of idiocy and counter-productivity. The infamous Rubbernecker, a term often used but never properly looked down upon. Should anything out of the ordinary occur on the road, the rubberneckers make it their duty to slam on the breaks so they—and everyone behind them—can watch the misery of others. If the accident did not occur on this side of the highway, one would think this side would move well. The rubbernecking will force the road to move as fast as the other side with the lane being blocked off. If there are no bodies, I don’t care. It better have been an accident worth looking at, with a few points of amusement to be worth my time and effort. The first offenders should be penalized so a lesson can be learned.


The Parker decides that it is okay to block off the street and cause traffic because he is looking for parking. He does not mind going 10mph on a street so he can see if he can stick his car anywhere. Luckily I can notify him where he can stick it. Then once they find someone leaving, they obnoxiously position themselves so neither no one gets through nor the parked car can leave. They will break several laws just to leave their car somewhere and have no qualms about inconveniencing others. Then we get a blind parker, which is doubly bad. This blind parker cannot manage to see the parking meter. As a result he just parks in the middle of one, effectively taking up two spots. And that opens up to what really bothers me: two people sharing one spot. Much like in poker where it is one person per hand, there should be one car per spot. Trying to fit your tiny box into someone else’s spot is wrong and annoying. At least have the decency to drop in your own quarter!


While not technically being a driver, the Scooter Driver is a menace to the road and to himself. Besides the fact that even at their top speed they cannot match the speed limit, they cut people off in order to be in front of them. They only logical response is that they are clueless in every way, shape, or form. On a slight tangent, while motorcyclists are fairly fast drivers, I cannot think of one person who wants to drive in front or behind one. Bicyclists should share a lane with Scooter Drivers, they do, after all, go at the same speed.


The infamous Cutter swerves across the lanes to get in front of someone else, usually dangerously close. While I do not mind the type that does so masterfully, those who do not know how to do it should definitely not do it! If someone cuts me off and can drive fairly fast, I am perfectly okay with that. I still don’t understand the type of people who zig zag from lane to lane in heavy traffic. They are not going to get far before reaching a dead halt or worse, getting into an accident. The Cutter, in its skill-less glory, is a menace to the road and should take lessons to its practiced counterpart.


The Cabbie is a rather obnoxious driver. He believes that since he is being paid to drive, he owns the road. He will try to cut people left and right, occasionally succeeding. They try to push people out of the lane, merge when merging is not even an option, and drive at speeds even old people would frown upon. They, at times, read while driving or, better yet, fill out paperwork. The only effective remedy against these irritants is to push them back, drive more reckless, and piss them off.


Staying on the topic of annoying people for a living, emergency vehicle—and primarily the Cop—do that on a daily basis. Most emergency vehicles even with their lights flashing drive fairly slow. They just have an excuse to drive more recklessly, not necessarily more efficiently. However, the Cop driver will run reds, think stop signs are optional and pick and choose the speed limit. Be it drive at fifteen miles an hour or cause others to slam on their breaks because they chose to run that red light, the Cop is surely not a driver one wants to behind. Then we have the selfish ones who, solely on their whim, force others to do their bidding. I have seen a cop shoo a car from a spot so he can park in his stead and obtain an easy access to a 7-eleven.


The SUV Driver is not actually a driver, per se. It is more of a failed attempt to go somewhere and it happens to be on the road with actual drivers, but the aftereffect is much different. Buying an SUV is basically admitting that one refuses to drive. It is a testament that the SUV Driver will be slow, relentless, annoying, massive, a nuisance. These drivers may rationalize that they cannot go faster since their vehicle is so big and is easy to flip over but that is something that they should have though of before buying a behemoth of a vehicle. I will however openly proclaim that there are some SUV drivers who know what they are doing, drive like they mean it, and are a pleasure to have on the road. The rest may park in hell.


Then we reach the most abundant of all driver types: The Slowpoke. He truly believes that his is right in going just at the speed limit—or what he thinks the speed limit is. He is basically saying that you are not allowed to go any faster than that and he will go at any lengths to go at that speed. This selfish monstrosity should just pull over and let the faster cars go in front. But what does he do? Go even slower! The Slowpoke acts as the police and does not allow normal people to drive at normal speeds. They also fail to notice signs which give a higher speed limit. That causes them to go even slower than usual on streets where higher speeds are allowed. And, needless to mention, they have the urge to always go to the leftmost lane—the passing lane. Instead of driving in the rightmost lane where they belong, they “cruise” in the fast lane, much to the chagrin of all behind them.


Finally, we reach an indistinguishable group who perform miscellaneous tasks that make no logical sense. I have never understood people who have their windshield wipers on maximum—when it is barely even drizzling. I am not even sure who to respond to those who somehow drive while reading or eating a heavy meal or even putting on make up. It truly bothers me when people inch toward a red light even when there is plenty of space to drive at almost full speed.


While these are the main types of drivers, each race and nationality have their own driving styles. People may be genetically alike but evidently driving ability is genetic as well.


If you see a slow vehicle parading down an empty highway or is being cut left and right due to his speed (or lack thereof, as the case may be) it is not hard to surmise that there is an Asian behind the wheel. They are usually the ones to try to merge to the highway way too soon, usually into a barrage of honking cars.


If you see a car that is filled to the brim with people, there are actually two possibilities. If the full car is a sedan, it is most likely filled with Mexicans or other related nationalities. If it is a minivan or a U-Haul, you have a bona fide Jew driving lazily on the road. In both cases, the driver is quite slow. Perhaps being responsible for that many lives causes them to drive even worse…


Blacks, for reasons that are probably related to their fear of being arrested yet again, tend to drive slower. He will usually sport the modded car but still drive than slower bicycle. They will at times drive faster than usual, but that is primarily a result of a car chase. The Female Black will drive even slower than their Male counterpart. It is rare to see them reach speeds even one mile per hour higher than the posted speed limit.


Geriatrics are not an amusing subject. They are usually Sunday Drivers and drive accordingly. While living in my house for seven years, I can count on one hand the number of times my elderly neighbors took their car out.


Russians are a weird mix. They predominantly drive a Mercedes, a Lexus, a BMW. OR the overwhelming popular: the Nissan sedans. They will often blast crappy techno or even crappier rap music out of their open windows to appear cool. While not a totally bad driver, The Russian will, at times, piss off other drivers with their tactics.


Then we reach crème de la crème of the epitome of the archetype of a bad drive. The Novice, while having a legitimate excuse for not driving too well, tends to magnify this lack of ability by doing some really stupid stuff. Whether taking ten minutes to park in a spot designated for three, barreling down at speeds of 25mph on a busy street, or not having the ability to make a left turn due to oncoming traffic, the Novice surely annoys everyone behind them. They will be afraid to do anything that is required while driving and everything is a hassle. They cannot make a U-turn, nor can they make left turns. They usually signal when they even as much as drift to any direction but forward. They are a danger to everyone on the road, be it fellow drivers, pedestrians, and even themselves. They do make it easy to spot them as they oftentimes have a little yellow emblem on the back of their car.


I apologize to the bad drivers I left out. I know in my heart that there are more but this is all that I could force myself to recollect. Their work should not (and I am fairly confident does not) go unnoticed. If you made the list—and I am sure I have done some of these at one time or other—you have to reevaluate your driving choices. To those of you who drive well, efficiently, and not too slow: my hat goes off to you. You deserve a round of applause, a hearty handshake, and a fully functional seatbelt. Keep up the good work, guys!

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