I Prove Jeff Jarrett Sucks

jeffjarrettI’ve been watching wrestling for almost 19 years. I have seen a lot of faces come and go. One face, however, that should have gone a long time ago, but managed to stick around, is that of Jeff Jarrett. Jeff Jarrett is not enjoyable to watch at all. I never was excited about him, either for or against him. I just didn’t like the guy, not in the “I boo the bad guy” way either. Disliking a bad guy in wrestling (for you non-wrestling fans) is known in the business as “heat.” A wrestler gains “heat” by appealing negatively to the fans. Jeff Jarrett has simply bored the life out of me whenever he is taking up precious TV time. As a heel (wresting jargon for “bad guy”) he generates no heat, the fans just want him to go away. As a good guy, he’s just boring. Both sides of that coin see him doing the same thing, breaking a guitar over someone’s head. Unlike the Honky Tonk Man who predates him, nobody cares when he does it, partially because he did it way too much.

So after being a unentertaining wrestler for a long time, he founded his own company and has been there ever since. He made himself champion, of course, for a while. It took several years before I think he may have finally realized just how lousy he was to watch. But onto my main point, how do I actually prove that Jarrett sucks?

This is Barry Horowitz

barrryhorowitzBarry Horowitz was what is known as a “jobber.” This means that he basically lost every match to major superstars who were being made to look good. He collected a paycheck and moved on with his life. Horowitz, however, shocked the world once, by winning a match against a then-superstar known as “Skip.” Skip claimed this was a fluke and the two tangled again, only to see another victory for Horowitz. The feud came to a head at Summer Slam 1995, so you have this jobber appearing on a major pay per view event. For only a minute, the entire world rallied behind Barry Horowitz hoping he would overcome the evil Skip. To those of us who remember this, I ask you, have you ever cared about any Jeff Jarrett match nearly as much as this one Barry Horowitz match? To those who only are finding out about this now, I’ll answer for you, “no.” Jeff Jarrett has never garnered as much interest as this one match with Barry Horowitz. I cannot think of any further evidence I need to present to relay this message any clearer. Barry Horowitz, who was not particularly interesting as a performer still managed to perform on a level higher than Jeff Jarrett has been able to attain.

Macho Madness Review: Ooooooh Yeah!

randy-savage-dvd-cover Reliving Randy Savage‘s WWF/WCW career was quite a trip down memory lane, but there were definitely potholes in this road. It had some key matches of his along the way, but I definitely felt something lacking, sans other superstar interviews.

We start from Savage’s WWF debut, which was a little disappointing, he had plenty of action in AWA and other territories that they could have covered. One thing that really drives me crazy is how the WWE continues to mess with the soundtrack of the original footage. Often they play a badly looped audience track over the original music, and then the replacement music on top of that. It becomes painfully obvious that they’re tampering with the music when you can no longer hear the announcers or interviews over the garbled mess of noise that was produced just for this DVD, lucky us. For some reason, they dub over Ric Flair’s 1992 entrance theme with his current theme, only later to freely play his actual theme from that era in a different match. Why WWE?

Also, a little more back story would have helped in between matches. Matt Striker and Maria set some of the story up for us, but who is going to remember them in 4 years? I was shocked that they edited out Jake Roberts slapping Elizabeth (Savage’s then wife) at their Tuesday in Texas match. Seriously that was a huge selling point of the feud, scrapping it on the DVD is just awful. Savage’s interview pouring emotion out after that match was the cherry on top, which is also absent from this set. Where is the rematch with the Warrior, also?

There were plenty of extras on the DVDs, interviews, his wedding to Elizabeth, although they were distributed a bit oddly. The chronology of the extras didn’t match that of the features. For example, Macho’s wedding took place in 1991, which is found on the first DVD, which covers 1985 – 1988. At least they had it there. His proposal to Elizabeth was pretty much a footnote during Maria and Striker’s chatting.

I was pretty excited about this DVD and feel a little disappointed, but it is nice to have some of these matches on DVD. It was very nice that they didn’t bury him like they did the Warrior. Randy Savage and the WWE are not known to be on good terms and the WWE has a record of really ripping to shreds big name wrestlers who have fallen out of their good graces. If you’re a big Macho Man fan, this DVD is still a must have. I’m not sure if it would make an addition to every wrestling fan’s library, however. For me, hearing “Pomp and Circumstance” and watching this maniac come out in some of the most fashionable robes I’ve ever seen, with a lovely lady by his side, exclaiming “Oooh yeah” and eventually dropping the big elbow on his opponent brought a smile to my face. There is no one in wrestling right now like the Macho Man, I’m not sure there ever will be.

Rating: ★★★★★★★½☆☆

My Late WWE Legends of Wrestlemania Review

legendsofwrestlemaniaWWE Legends of Wrestlemania has been something I have been waiting to play for quite a while. I don’t mean when it was announced, I mean back when Acclaim gave us “Legends of Wrestling.” Although there were some good things about Legends of Wrestling, it came up short. One of its big vices was that it contained wrestlers who were indeed legends, but a good deal of them were WWF legends and Acclaim did not have the WWF licensing to recreate all of the elements in quite the harmonious fashion I was hoping for. I wondered if the WWF were to release an all legends game, how it would fair. I felt like this may actually be that game. Again, we came up short.

The game features a nice roster, although conspicuous by their absence, some of the legends that you would expect to be in this game. Namely, Macho Man Randy Savage and Demolition were missing from the roster. The character models looked great for the most part, except Hulk Hogan and Andre were blown up a bit. The animations were very nice and the presentation really brought back memories. Unfortunately, THQ in their lacking wisdom, decided to rig the controls so that any nostalgic fan could pick up a controller and play. While this is great for the casual fan (who will most likely not buy the game), it was an excellent way to drive away fans who would feel much more at home having the same engine that Smackdown! Vs. Raw uses.

Your range of motion is very limited and after years of playing games like No Mercy, Fire Pro, and Smackdown! Vs. Raw, you feel like you’re being cheated out of gameplay elements. Due to the lacking range of motion, the action grows repetitive. I was also unhappy with some of the theme music. Apparently the WWE felt it necessary to change some of the wrestler’s signature themes to music that just did not belong. Luckily I have all of this music on my computer and ported it into the game and did some handy work to change the music appropriately.

The gameplay modes are mixed. The tagline of the game was “Relive, Rewrite, Redefine.” Relive is a mode where you, as it sounds, relive a Wrestlemania bout. What’s nice about these matches is that you have objectives to recreate from the match’s real life counterpart. Executing certain moves begins a string of actions which actually took place. Slamming Andre prompts a quick follow up leg-drop and a victory. Steve Austin picks up a bottle of water at ringside to spit it into the Rock’s face. Rewrite has you change the outcome of a match, basically the original loser goes over. Not exactly the most fun mode, but I guess if you were unhappy with an outcome, now is your opportunity to change it. Redefine is pretty fun, Wrestlemania (the first) hosted an Andre Vs. John Studd match, now we see that match take place in a Hell in a Cell match. Although this mode is interesting, I would have rather left the Rewrite and Redefine modes to my own exhibitions and had 3 times as many Relive matches.

For your Create A Legend, you have a set of gauntlets to run. The wrestlers you fight against are divided up in somewhat arbitrary groups of 10. After finishing a few of these you gain attribute points along the way. Eventually you end up at the gauntlet of the entire roster, all 38 legends. Finally, after porting the SvR roster into the game, you have one last gauntlet of 10 current WWE wrestlers to burn through. After this, there is really nothing left to do but replay the game. Because of the repetitive gameplay, however, you don’t really care to do this any longer. Plus, if you had any interest in playing this game before, the 38-man gauntlet has taken it out of you. It felt like they threw that mode in to artificial inflate gameplay time.

As for the create a legend mode, the physical appearance looks very good. The moves you have to choose from aren’t horrible, but why do they limit the finishers so much? The finishers are all chains (a succession of 3 moves). The finisher chains that exist for the superstars are the only ones in the game. You cannot designate your own. What does this mean? If you created, let’s say, the Macho Man, there is no way to make the elbow off of the top rope your finisher. very shabby. A good number of moves are locked until you import the SvR roster, but still, then you only have those finishers to choose from as well.

Sound: Rating: ★★★★★★★★★☆
It’s a sports game, so I can’t really beef with the sound too much, although having to do my own handy work to make the real themes be part of the game annoyed me. Is it so hard to get the same music you used back in the day WWE?

Graphics: Rating: ★★★★★★★★☆☆
Although some of the character models are a little glorified, the game looks great, for the most part. The crowd still looks crappy, but I guess I shouldn’t be that picky about the crowd appearance.

Presentation: Rating: ★★★★★★★★☆☆
I’m going to double dip with the incorrect theme music and take points off for presentation also. There also could have been a ref in the ring. That having been said, the game has a good deal of little things that were awesome. Having all of the venues for the event replicated in the game is really nice. The lower thirds for the wrestlers match how they really looked for each Wrestlemania is a nice touch also. The highlights of the matches you are playing with in the “Relive, Rewrite, Redefine” mode was also nice, personally I would have liked to see the whole match, but that may not have been possible with the remaining space on the disc.

Control: Rating: ★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
I’m throwing off the gloves for this one. The control was balls. Seriously, it’s a steep learning curve with very little payoff once you learn it. There just is no depth. Once you master the controls, you’re just frustrated that it isn’t easier to do things that you want to do. The worst scenarios are when you have to have your opponent in the right place outside the ring and cause him to be groggy before grappling with him the right way. When you have to do this to fulfill an objective, it’s the worst. I take that back, kicking out of a pin is the worst. The amount of button mashing you have to do should be illegal. It doesn’t feel like it makes any sense. You can be winning a match and when you’re the victim of a small package, kicking out require way more effort and physical energy than it should. I also feel like limiting the buttons that are used complicated things more, as more combinations are required to execute simple tasks. You sometimes will find yourself doing something other than what you intended due to the same buttons being used for multiple tasks.

Gameplay: Rating: ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆
Once you have watch the intros and grown excited, the thrill is now over. This is sad, you want to have fun with your legendary wrestler, but the control makes this too difficult. There are some nice elements, like if you have a manager he’ll help you out by distracting the opponent or placing your foot on the ropes during what would be a 3 count. I’m not quite sure how the game determines when your opponent has had enough. Sometimes beating on him for a while will give you a pin. Sometimes, several finishers in, they will remain unbeatable. The game just doesn’t flow.

My big question: why couldn’t they just use the Smackdown! Vs. Raw controls? Making fans of the game and product learn a new control set up just seems pointless and aggravating. Maybe next year. THQ has done some boneheaded things with WWE games, they sadly made this game a rental and not a keeper.

Overall Rating: ★★★★★★½☆☆☆

My Trip to Texas for WrestleMania

So, after the previous mentioned debacle getting to Texas, we finally arrived the morning of April 3rd. After getting our rental car, a PT Cruiser, we headed out to Stafford to check in to our room. Doing some research led me to select the La Quinta. It was a nice little place, 2 star hotel, but received exceptional reviews. The lady at the desk greeted us, “How ya’ll doin’?” Oh yeah, we had arrived. Surrounding us was an IHOP, Hooters and some Konichiwa place. We checked in and I almost immediately crashed. I stayed awake the entire night in Atlanta and had to take a break. It was roughly noon and we had planned to attend a charity event with wrestlers appearing, one of which was Jake Roberts. We discovered that there were two events taking place back to back, and Jake’s portion would take place from  4-7 PM, giving me a chance to sleep a little while longer. First, we ordered pizza. It was horrible. See the picture below for a glimpse of what a horror that was. Then I crashed finally. Sean managed to revive me at about 5:30. I quickly showered and we headed out to catch the tail end of the event. We got to the convention right as the wrestlers were packing up. We ran to meet Jake, and meet him we did. I apologized for holding him up and he told me (playfully) to take my shirt and stick it up my ass. Then we posed for the picture Jake requested that we not grab his ass. Then Sean showed him his Halloween costume to see his response. Jake quickly responded “You’re a sick bastard.” After walking away, I was overjoyed with how unique of an experience it was to have your childhood hero tell you off. I called my dad and told him immediately. Then we went back to the hotel, chilled a little bit more and tried to make dinner plans with Dennis (who was also in Houston). We told him we wanted to try Hooters, which was near an IHOP off of whatever the highway was, I think 59. Chance would have it that he would end up at another Hooters right next to a different IHOP right down the road. We just ate at our respective Hooters. It was decent food, everyone was cheering watching a basketball game. The waitresses were all super hot. My waitress touched my shoulder and I fainted. Then, I ventured somewhere that I never thought I would be again, to Austin. Why was I venturing there? I was going to see someone whom I never thought I would see again, Holly.

We arrived at Holly’s at about 1 AM. She started a barbecue as a small shindig for us and it snowballed into a huge party. I met a ton of people and saw a few people who I hadn’t seen in 9 years. I couldn’t believe how much time passed. Sean and I took over the music and Holly, Logan (her boyfriend), Sean and myself all caught up and chatted for a long time. Holly was an awesome host, she even got a six pack of Becks, since everyone else in Texas drinks Bud Light. We had a blast talking again. It was really a trip, I really never thought I’d be crossing paths with Holly ever again realistically. Thankfully, the WWE held Wrestlemania at a venue geographically desirable to do so. Sean and I hung out till around 6 AM or so and headed back to Houston. We arrived back at the hotel around 9 AM or so, I was ready for bed.

I woke up mid-day and just wanted to lounge and catch my breath. We really hadn’t taken a break since we got there. We ordered more pizza. We know, we know… we wanted to go out and get like, meat, steak, hamburgers, but it was Texas and we were lazy. We wanted to order and all we could find were more pizza places and Chinese. We opted to try pizza from a different place one more time… This is what resulted…

We watched the WWE Hall of Fame induction ceremony on USA and then coordinated an evening out with Dennis and his friend Kevin. We got started at about 12:30 on our way out, and Kevin informed us that in Texas, last call was 2 AM. For a group of NY boys, this wasn’t cool. We then hit traffic and discovered that Texans don’t handle accidents like NYers. The whole highway was shut down. People just got out of their car, talked and hung out with each other. We got to downtown Houston at about 1:30. We didn’t really have time to do anything so we just drove around and just scope out the city. It was a quaint little place, felt like Tribeca. We then got some grub from Whataburger and called it a night.

The next morning we woke up and headed to Waffle House. On the menu, under hash browns, it gave the options of “smothered” or “covered.” Dennis remarked that the lyrics of that Bloodhound Gang song now made more sense. What a catch! I had grits for the first time. They were good. I told the server that I didn’t want pulp in my orange juice, he replied, “What’s that?” We had a long conversation about wrestling with most of the employees and some customers. We grabbed some beer at a gas station. I sensed Moon Pies when I walked in, and found them, and Sean got me the entire thing. Then it was time for Wrestlemania.

Although it was hard to see the ring from out seats, despite them being close, being there is just amazing. The production is second to none. There were quite a few surprises, some were good, some were bad. The entire crowd was on the edge of their seats for Undertaker Vs. Shawn Michaels. The Hardy match was excellent. John Cena having Edge and Big Show on his back, if even for just a second, was a great sight. I think everyone in the arena was expecting Randy Orton to win the title, but he didn’t. The only let down of the night (other than Mickey Rourke not doing the Ram Jam) was Triple H winning.

We bounced, got back to our hotel and Sean and I hit up a diner. I had a huge burger which was excellent and a carmel cheesecake dessert which was outstanding. We got some sleep and sadly, the next morning was the time for us to depart. We checked out got on the plane and got back to Atlanta. After a slight delay, we got to NY, took a cab home, and IMMEDIATELY WENT TO ROSA’S. Seriously, we didn’t wait, we went to the car and got real pizza. We returned to my apartment and watched Raw. This traveling thing is fun, I want to do it more.

WWE The Best of Saturday Night’s Main Event DVD Set

WWE Saturday Night's Main Event DVD Box ArtThis DVD set is absolutely amazing to watch as an old school wrestling fan. For those of you who do not know, WWE (formerly “WWF”) used to have a late night show which ran on NBC when Saturday Night Live was in rerun. There were no monthly pay per view events in those days and most of time, this show served as the main story progressing medium. This show ran through the era which Mean Gene Okerlund referred to as “the glory days.” For the most part, The Best of Saturday Night’s Main Event covers 1985-1992. In 2006, NBC and WWE restarted the Saturday Night’s Main Event program, although quite different and not nearly as crucial to progression as before. Luckily, there’s minimal 21st century covered on this set.

For me personally, I started watching wrestling in 1991. I back tracked heavily, renting all the videos I could leading up to the present. I watched all the ppvs I could get my hands on, but a lot of the events leading up to matches would take place on SNME, I could only get a glimpse of this action. I did not have cable in the sticks I used to live in, so seeing WWE on my TV at home was awesome. I only got to see a handful of them before they ended. The need for SNME was filled with the new, weekly, Monday Night Raw and Main Event vanished.

Now for this DVD set, hours and hours of big matches from Main Event, in full, with wrestler interviews about the action. Too keep it relevant to today, some of the active roster are on the DVD. The cast of characters is simply awesome. Hulk Hogan, Macho Man, Jake Roberts, Junk Yard Dog, Roddy Piper, Big Boss Man, Dusty Rhodes, Mr. T, Honky Tonk Man, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Ultimate Warrior, and of course, Andre the Giant are just some of the superstars you see throughout the set. Yeah sure, John Cena is there too, but again, that’s the 21st century stuff that may appeal to you, but I’m content with the “glory days.”

Anyway, if you couldn’t tell, I’m high on this DVD set. I have yet to tell you just how high, however. BUY THIS SET. Seriously, buy it now! This DVD set is by far the best collection the WWE has released, period. They have captured a great deal of action for the era that I grew up on and loved. I’m unbelievably happy with this set and it put a huge smile on my face multiple times. Wrestling was so colorful and larger than life back then and drinking it all in was quite an experience. All I have to say about this DVD collection is: 10

Christian Returns to WWE

christianTo my fellow wrestling fans, we knew this was coming. The WWE swerved us big time with Christian’s roster placement, however. Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, and Edge are all on Smackdown. They make a pretty explosive trio as it is, adding Christian to the mix would practically make it nuclear. On the surface, placing Christian on ECW seems like a bad move, but maybe it isn’t.

Consider this, now you’re probably going to watch ECW a little bit more. Now we already have Christian back, but now the anticipation will continue a little bit longer for him to rejoin his comrades over on Smackdown. We all know it’s coming sooner or later, we just did not get an instant payoff. We now will keep our eye on this situation even more closely. We were holding our breath awaiting Christian’s return. Now we aren’t breathing just yet, but have been allow to take one more nice and deep breath to hold out a little longer. Sooner or later, Christian will cross paths with Matt, Jeff, or Edge. This will give Matt and Jeff some time to soak up the lime light before we detonate this whole thing. Christian is probably expected to pay some dues for his time in TNA anyway. Hopefully we won’t be looking at this in a few months saying “WWE ruined something else.”

WWE = FAIL

I usually don’t like to get too much into wrestling stuff here, but this time I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. There’s been a developing story that is brewing lately. I’ll give you some back story to make this all make sense. This is Randy Orton:

orton

Randy Orton is in his late 20s, he’s a former WWE Champion and has been competing athletically for most of his life. Basically, he’s nearing (if not already in) his prime. Recently, he attacked the owner of the WWE (Vince McMahon). He brutalized the old man and we were all anxiously waiting for the rest of the family (also with powerful executive roles) to respond. This past Monday, they did just that. It made for horrible story-telling.

Basically, Orton found a loop hole to prevent himself from being fired for his actions. Firing him would cause a bad chain reaction – a lot of legal mumbo jumbo. He begged to be fired to the boss’s daughter, to which she responded, “…too easy…” So what happened next?

This is Shane McMahon:

shane_mcmahon

Shane is Vince’s son. Shane McMahon is not an athlete. He has never been WWE Champion, nor a serious competitor either. He’s about 11 years Randy Orton’s senior. On Monday night, he walked into the ring and began throwing horrible punches at Randy Orton. A great deal of them did not land. Randy Orton has a group he formed with two other wrestlers who tried to aid him against Shane. After Shane fought them all off, being the lone warrior he is (not), Randy Orton was knocked unconscious. Repeating this makes me sick.

This is one of the worst examples of story-telling I can think of. Shane McMahon is not an active member of the roster. He’s a business man, actually, he’s daddy’s little boy. He should not be able to walk out to the ring and beat up on a main eventer. Even you non-wrestling fans should be able to see this. Imagine if Noah Bennet just walked up the Sylar on Heroes and punched his lights out. Imagine if Perry White kicked Superman’s ass because he was the boss! This is horrible! This story had so much momentum and this latest episode just took the wind out of the sails. I just had to complain, sorry.

Audition (kinda) for the Examiner

I wrote this up for them and decided I should probably post it here as well:

Raw House Show @ MSGDuring the WWE house show on 12/28/2008 at Madison Square Garden, I could not help but notice the increased amount of children (ages 5 – 12) in attendance. The WWE has made a very clear effort to become more family friendly over the last few months. Any fan that has attended a wrestling event, or any sporting event, knows that a New York crowd is one of the more unique crowds to experience. I felt a distinct change in the camaraderie that I had always felt before and cannot help but to believe this is due to the shift in the audience. Starting chants felt much more difficult and chants with adult themes (which had been more prominent in the past) were rarely started and did not last. The WWE is targeting a new audience now and although this change in style will eliminate some viewers, it was rather nice to see entire families together at the show together. The WWE maybe doing something right. Families coming out together to MSG for the evening to watch WWE Superstars while buying hot dogs, popcorn, and toys for the children during a struggling economy says a lot, I feel. I am going to keep a watchful eye on the audience the next time I visit MSG to see if this tend continues. Maybe I will see you there!

WWF Vs. WWE

One of the saddest things in life is a wish that will never come true. Growing up in the late 80s/early 90s, my heroes weren’t Superman, Indiana Jones, Luke Skywalker, or even James Bond Jr. (okay, no one liked him). My heroes were colorful and larger-than-life athletes that I only got to see on weekends (around noon mostly) called “wrestlers.” One obstacle people which some never seem able to hurdle is that wrestling is “fake.” What baffles me about this, these same people would idolize comic-book characters, cartoons, TV show stars as if they were the real deal. Wrestling is fiction, yes, but it’s also a performance art and the fact that it is live shouldn’t take away from its value, it should add to it.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, let’s discuss why I’m here today. Remember the colorful characters I mentioned? At some point, they slowly began to be traded in for less color and more attitude. Contemporary context changed the nature of the roster. Eventually, simply by the sands of time, we watched our heroes vanish and be replaced by the next generation of stars, to be cheered by the younger audience. Although there was and always will be some cross-over, we would love to see (if only once) our heroes of yester-year answer the bell one more time to show up the new blood. With that, I assembled a dream card. There are a handful of matches that I know would be not only fun for any nostalgic wrestling fan, but for the new fans as well. I’m sure many of these events take place in the arena of our imaginations, this one is just a glimpse of my own.

Choosing a match to kick things off is never easy, however, I’m going to go with a nice contrast in style, but similarity of gimmick:

JBL Vs. Ted Dibiase

While both of these guys boast about their wealth and success, JBL brings a brute force style to the ring, where as Ted DiBiase’s method was very technical and calculated. These styles would actually make for a good match and the build up would be fun to watch as well. Perhaps the millionaires would try and out-do each other in very humorous ways.

How it would go: Although JBL would have the power advantage, eventually DiBiase would overcome JBL’s momentum building and try and keep it a wrestling match to stay on top. Unfortunately, DiBiase wouldn’t possess the strength to maintain the Million-Dollar Dream. JBL would power out of Ted’s finisher alla the “getting low and elbowing in the stomach” method. In DiBiase’s desperation, he would maintain the hold as a headlock, ultimately whipping Bradshaw into the ropes, giving Bradshaw the opportunity to nail the Clothesline from Hell and score a win.

Winner by Pinfall: JBL

Next, we would move to a tag team contest. This is one that I know fans want to see and frankly, it should have happened.

The Rockers Vs. The Hardy Boyz

These two teams would have to bring their “A” game to show one-another up. Both teams are amazingly similar. They represent rock music of their era and have both technical ability as well as high-flying moves – all while acting as a team.

How it would go: Most tag team matches are pretty much the same: the heel tag team eventually isolates a member of the face tag team and wares him down more and more. Eventually, the worn down fan favorites tags his partner who is completely fresh and surging with adrenaline. Gorilla would refer to this man as “a house of fire.” The match could go anyway still, but rallying the crowd was the idea. These two teams, however, are not only both faces, but aren’t quite as methodical. There would be a great deal of quick tags and high impact flying maneuvers. No rest holds for these guys tonight! Eventually it would come down to team-work, as any good tag-match should. The Rockers would have a little more edge here (remember, they are tag team specialists) and eventually lead to them keeping one of the Hardy’s at bay, while the other one would be pinned for a victory.

Winner by Pinfall: The Rockers

Next would be not particularly a great athletic match, however, a great meeting of the minds:

Doink the Clown Vs. Goldust

The fun of this match would be watching the build up. Both characters were notorious mind-game players and it would be thrilling to watch them try and get the best of each other. Watching just how the characters interact in the ring would be a trip too. While Doink had some pretty off-the-wall pranks to play on his poor opponents, Goldust would touch a never with his homo-erotic behavior and bizarre style. Could one make the other crack?

How it would go: It’s hard to see a clear ending for a match like this, because frankly, the meat and potatoes would be the build up to the match and the match itself. The ending would almost be inconsequential to the audience I think. Perhaps a bucket of water tossed onto Goldust would set him off and he would drop his facade, or maybe being rubbed the wrong way (and I do mean “rubbed”) would make the clown not so fun loving anymore. I see this match ending in a double disqualification, not because I wouldn’t want to pick a winner, but because winning or losing the match really doesn’t seem like it would affect any fan.

Double DQ

Now it’s time to give the audience another tasty treat. What we’re doing here is taking a wrestler who was a little ahead of his time and mixing him up with a more modern superstar.

Ricky Steamboat Vs. Rob Van Dam

Although they have similar in-ring styles, Steamboat had less charisma, but more intensity whereas RVD is the opposite. This contrast in gimmick, but similar style (again) would make for a most enjoyable match.

How it would go: Again, not a great deal or rest holds would take place here. For the most part, these two would have a few speedy go-arounds followed up by a pause in the action just long enough for a thunderous applause from the crowd. Eventually, RVD’s hardcore background would aid him in enduring whatever punishment Steamboat could dish out. Steamboat would find himself on the receiving end of a 5-star Frog Splash and that would be all she wrote.

Winner by Pinfall: RVD

By now, although having some fun, you realize that these aren’t the huge names you were expecting to see. Well, it’s at this point in the evening that we throw the crowd a match worthy of a headline, but drop it into the middle of the card to remind everyone that “there’s plenty more where that came from.”

Andre the Giant Vs. The Undertaker

You’re probably wondering why the background for this picture is white, whereas the rest were all black. Anyway, we have a match here that the fans are going to eat up, as well they should. Both of these guys have had amazing careers spanning several decades. Andre the Giant began as the beloved hero that took care of business. If you were a bad guy, Andre would eventually make you squeal like a pig. Eventually, however, he was taken by the darkside and became the evil monster that the heroes had to overcome. The Undertaker followed an opposite path. He began as the unbeatable monster who would wreck anyone that dare try to be a hero. Seduced by the light however, he became the hero that got it done. When a monster would cast a shadow on the WWF/WWE, eventually they’d cross paths with the Undertaker, which would be their final undoing. I for one am glad that Undertaker has stood the test of time so long. Although he represents both eras really, he and Andre missed each other by a hair. Andre was more or less finished by April of 1990 and Undertaker surfaced in November of the same year. Although Andre would return for about 5 months in 1991, he was no longer so much a wrestler as just a figurehead, never wrestling on TV. These two greats represent the irresistible force and immovable object.

How it would go: Andre and Undertaker both strike fear in their opponents, however this would be neutralized between the two of them…or would it?  Clearly, Andre has the size and strength advantage, but after a while of kicking the Undertaker around the ring, Andre would grow less confident watching the Undertaker continue to take whatever he could dish out and keep coming. The Undertaker’s speed and stamina would carry him through the match quite convincingly. Although the Undertaker isn’t know for his brute strength, he has been known to call upon it when needed and would impress the audience by taking everything Andre could throw at him and eventually hoisting him up for a tombstone. Although he may not get all of it, it would be enough to put the Giant away.

Winner by Pinfall: Undertaker

At this point in the evening, the Rock would enter the sold out arena and cut a promo on how he is just shocked that he is somehow excluded from the festivities of the evening. All these great superstars in one place and somehow, we have no match for the Rock. Unfamiliar music would play to any devout WWF/WWE fan and a superstar would emerge to a mixed reaction, however, a great match would be about to begin:

The Rock Vs. Sting

Am I serious, the Rock Vs. Sting? Well you know, it’s a sea of past and present superstars from Titan Sports Inc., why not throw a nice swerve to the audience? I mean, come on, aren’t you a little curious? The Rock was supposedly “passed the torch” and was the guy! Sting was always the main hero of WCW, he was the do-gooder that eventually saved the day. Well, what good wrestling event is good without a little surprise.

How it would go: Both competitors would be evenly matched for the most part. They’d first feel each other out, then do some mat-wrestling. Eventually, they’d break down and throw the sportsmanship out the window and brawl, which is good because that is what we all want to see. After enough time went by, the Rock would have to hit a big move on Sting, but a knocked out ref would be unavailable to make the count. Why would this have to happen? Let’s call it like it is folks, in reality, if this match were to ever happen, Sting would have to be the victor. We know the Rock isn’t above doing a job, where Sting probably would be and he probably wouldn’t want his first and only WWE match to be a loss. The Rock making a 3 count pin sans ref would be the way of showing the audience that he could indeed put away the Stinger. Ultimately Sting would have to catch a second wind. I don’t see it being a simple ending though. A few minutes in the Scorpion deathlock followed by the dramatic breaking of the hold would get the fans going. Eventually, we’d see the brawl climax when the Stinger successfully would apply the Scorpion death drop.

Winner by Pinfall: Sting

What a night, some great matches and a few more ready to go. Now we need a nice battle of the one-minute killer titans, the guys that would be in and out of the ring in about 5 minutes. A big one from the past and a big one from the future, who else could I be talking about?

The Ultimate Warrior Vs. Brock Lesnar

Finally! I dunno about you posers out there in Wrestling Land, but this is a match I would personally mark out for like crazy! Two guys know for brutality and strength as well as finishing off opponents quickly. Who would be the victor?

How it would go: Although Brock can mat and chain wrestle, we wouldn’t see much of that. The match would be high impact, loud, bone-rattling goodness. The Ultimate Warrior would begin a campaign to knock Brock off his feet and wisely get the crowd behind him. Eventually, Brock’s brutality and strength would prove too much for the Warrior…or would it? After whipping the Warrior around for an F-5, the Ultimate One would bounce to his feet, running in place and beating his chest, much to the shock and dismay of Mr. Lesnar. In a panic, Lesnar would charge the Warrior, only to be met with a clothesline. After reaching his feet, another clothesline. After one or two more clotheslines, Warrior would take Brock down with a mighty flying tackle. The crowd would wonder, “Is he gonna do it?” Warrior would then lift the big frame of Brock Lesnar over his head and drop him on his face, followed by a big splash. As Vince would say, “A cover, a count, a victory.” Did I mention this match would be 5 minutes long?

Winner by Pinfall: Ultimate Warrior

Now to let the crowd recover a little with one last tag match before we roll into the main course of our singles competition.

Demolition Vs. Dudley Boyz

Another nice doozy of a tag match, no finesse here, just brute force. Sure there are a lot of people that like to think of the Legion of Doom when it comes to the big tag teams, but while they were off in the NWA and AWA (and WCW for that matter), Demolition was carrying the torch in the WWF. They were the tag champs for quite some time in the late 80s. The Dudleys dominated the competition in ECW. Although I haven’t witnessed the entire ECW library, I’ve seen quite a bit of it. I can only recall the Dudleys losing one time in a tag match, and Buh-Buh Ray losing a singles match to Taz.

How it would go: We get to see these guys go straight at each other, full force when the bell rings. It would take the ref a few minutes to calm both teams down and get them in their respective corners. Eventually, the Dudleys would isolate one of the Demos and beat on him until he tagged his partner (who would of course be a “house of fire”). Although Demolition could isolate a member of the Dudleys long enough to deliver their finisher, they wouldn’t have much more time left for a cover, the other Dudley would break the count. The Dudleys, however, have been in tornado tag matches many-a-time. Eventually, they’d drop one member of Demolition hard enough to keep him down, most likely through a table. It would be shortly after that they would deliver the 3D and capturing the victory.

Winner by Pinfall: Dudley Boyz

What more could we possibly see tonight? Why not see how two great workers…work together? Take the guy from the 80s who was said to sweat the details and mix him up with a guy who apparently always gets the details right.

Randy “Macho Man” Savage Vs. Triple H

There is no doubt in my mind that any wrestling fan, love or hate these guys, should have at least put this match together in their head at one time. Neither of them have a great reputation among the smart fans, we’ve all heard crazier and crazier stories about Macho Man as time has gone on, and Triple H, well, he certainly scored his meal-ticket. Triple H may have a strength advantage, however, Macho Man has plenty of power, but also agility and quickness. Charismatically, there is no contest, Macho Man all the way.

How it would go: There would be a good amount of chain wrestling here. These guys are seasoned pros. Any good fan can watch matches and see mis-ques and botched spots in 95% of the matches today. These guys wouldn’t have a single one. My bet is that we would see the crowd shift (marginally) in the favor of the Macho Man, simply by his ability to play to the crowd more. We’d see good moves and good sells to said moves as well. Eventually, like many great matches, it would have to go from a wrestling match to a brawl. Personally, this is the match I’d select to be bloody for the evening, just to really sell the battle. Eventually, Triple H would set up the pedigree, however, Savage would sneak out of it and shove Triple H back into the corner with authority. This would cause Triple H to drop to the ground. Savage would ceremoniously hop on to the top rope and deliver his patented flying elbow for a 3 count.

Winner by Pinfall: Randy “Macho Man” Savage

After a match like that, we need a real humdinger to keep the pace going. No curtain-jerker is going to break the flow now. I don’t even need to set this one up, the match has its own merit.

Bret “Hitman” Hart Vs. Kurt Angle

Now we are going to see some wrestling. Both these guys can chain wrestle with the best of them…nuts to that, these guys ARE the “best of them.” Bret Hart is extremely technical. Although somewhat lacking in power, he is quick and agile, not to mention clever. Despite not being the most powerful athlete in the business, Hart has chopped down some of the biggest and baddest in wrestling’s history. Angle, no stranger to technical skills either, is a little more powerful, conditioned extremely well, also clever, but perhaps not quite as agile as Hart, however. In a match like this, it would boil down to pure heart and hunger.

How it would go: These two men would display great mat skills. We would see holds, lots of holds. The holds typically wouldn’t last long, however, as both men could escape most of them in their sleep. Bret would take to the sky here and there with a few drop kicks and impact maneuvers. This could throw Angle’s game a little bit. Eventually, Angle could use that power advantage to overcome Bret’s attacks and make Bret wrestle his match. Eventually, Angle would hit the Olympic/Angle slam and cover Bret Hart… for a two count. Angle, shocked by this, would probably beef with the ref. While conjuring up what his next plan of attack would be, Bret would recover a little and catch a second wind, which unfortunately Kurt Angle would discover via Bret’s famed playing possum. Bret would then hit his trademark moves, an inverted atomic drop, a snap suplex, a Russian leg-sweep and an elbow from the second turnbuckle on the inside. Of course, the most he would see is a two count as well. It is when Bret tries to slap on the sharp-shooter that Angle would snatch his foot into the ankle lock. Bret would try to get to the ropes to no avail. Kurt Angle would eventually secure his finisher by locking his legs around Bret’s. For any other superstar, this may guarantee a victory. Bret, however, would seize this opportunity to use Kurt’s crossed legs against him and reverse the ankle lock into the sharp-shooter. The crowd would go ape. Kurt Angle would now be the one trying to get to the rope. Once he is too close to the rope, Bret would pull him away, back to the center of the ring. Angle would have no choice, but to tap out.

Winner by Submission: Bret “Hitman” Hart

Well, we have come this far, you’ve waited and waited. This has been “a happening.” It is now time for the main event! What could possibly follow these matches? What superstars would follow up the evening and send us off at the end of the event with a feeling of completion?

Hulk Hogan Vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin

Nobody bitch to me about this being the main event. The figure heads of the two generations were clearly Hogan and Austin. Whether you love or hate these guys, I can’t think of a single fan who wouldn’t mark out for this match, even if they would pretend not to because it isn’t the “cool, smart fan” thing to do. This is an event to entertain everyone and these two could do that with the best of them. What’s more, they had completely different styles. Hulk Hogan was the ultimate hero. Train, say your prayers, take your vitamins, believe in yourself, be true to yourself and true to your country. Steve Austin drank beer, used filthy language (both verbal and sign language) and welcomed the fans to cheer for him if they wanted, but he “didn’t really give a damn.” Of course he mastered playing to the crowd without playing to them. Both of these guys were the heroes of their generation, who would be the top hero of all time? Hogan would clearly have the power advantage. Austin could brawl like no other, however. Hulk Hogan usually tilts the charisma scale completely in his favor, however, Austin maybe the one superstar who could neutralize this advantage.

How it would go: Hogan would try and present himself in a sportsman-like way, however Austin would have no part of it. The two legends would have quite a fight. If there is one other match I’d elect to see blood, it would be this one. These guys could easily take it out to the floor and use some of the around-ring arsenal to assault one-another. I’m sure we would see a few ref bumps as well. I’d also count on seeing both superstars mock the other by using each other’s taunts, as well as each other’s signature moves during the match. Eventually, Austin would attempt to put away the Immortal Hulk Hogan with the Stone Cold Stunner. After kicking out at two, with authority, we would see the Hulkster Hulk-Up! Steve Austin would become the victim of three hay-makers, a big boot and the Hogan Leg-drop. Again, we would see a near-fall, Hogan’s crowd supports sighing with disappointment and Austin’s sighing with relief. Hogan would try to repeat his normally winning formula. This time, however, Austin would duck the mighty big boot. Upon Hogan turning around, Austin would deliver a kick of his own to the mid-section, followed by a second Stunner. Austin with a cover, hooking the leg, would score a fall. Austin winning this match is the passing of the torch that could never be, but should have been. The symbolism of Austin being the established number one guy in the industry officially would solidify his spot which he was in already during his run. It maybe after the fact, but this would be the event that this “passing of the torch” took place. After raising Austin’s hand, Austin would offer Hogan a beer, or two, or three. The two mega powers of wrestling history would celebrate as the announcers said their farewells and the curtain came down to end the show.

Winner by Pinfall: Stone Cold Steve Austin

This is just my take on an event like this. Perhaps you, the reader, may have a match of your own that you would like to see, or a different opinion of how one of these matches would go. Feel free to comment.

Ric “The Model” Martel

For some reason, I feel the need to throw praise to Ric Martel. When he was “Model,” it was by far one of the best gimmicks ever. “The Model” was a bad guy, so he was a villain, but a model. Since villains lie, he suited himself with a button stating, “Yes, I Am a Model.” Sometimes, coming to the ring, he would be modeling some kind of fashion. Back in those days, wrestlers usually needed two jobs. They were a wrestler, but also something else (barber, real estate, officer of the law, etc…). Being a model enabled him to dress up as yet something else, modeling, while also wrestling (such as a tennis player). Another great addition to this package was that he had apparently invented a cologne. Again, because he was a bad guy, the cologne was described as “foul smelling.” He called it, “Arrogance.” To be old school and manly, he had it in an old fashioned spray can. Of course the real use of this foul smelling cologne was for him to bring to the ring and use against his opponent(s) at some point if need be. It became the cornerstone of the feud between he and Jake Roberts in the early nineties, when he sprayed Jake in the face with it, blinding him in one eye. A great part of the business back then were promos that the wrestlers would film. Ric Martel had several commercials for his cologne as his promos. The below was absolutely one of my favorites.

First of all, the beginning is gold. He apparently defeats his opponent and is ready with the taunting word, “practice.” I neglected to mention that he is from Quebec, which explains the accent. His theme music playing in the background, along with the handwritten name of the cologne is classic. Finally, he remarks about finding yourself, “in the royal box.” Wow, now there is a joke I’m sure went over most youngster’s heads. Delicious pun! Oh man, how we need wrestling to somehow fix itself so it can be more like this again.